Four Months later...

Yeah... my boyfriend and I broke up four months ago (plus one week.) Today is awfully hard because it's my first day of Spring Break. For the three and a half years that we were together, we regularly took vacations together at this time of the year. One year was Vegas, another Florida, last year was Puerto Rico. One year ago just about now... He's in Miami today interviewing for a fellowship and spending a couple days with a friend. We had talked about going to Napa Valley together this time, but that was dreaming a little too far in advance apparently.

It's my first day of Spring Break, as I said, and I'm cleaning up my apartment. My goal is to throw away a lot of old junk. There was a small keepsake box on my coffee table full of photos and postcards, and some birthday cards, etc. I knew there would be cards from my ex- in there, and though I knew it would be hard, I went through the pile and found four: two anniversary, one birthday, and one Easter. They all said "Love" but I don't think any of them said "I love you." Hindsight. I tore the four of them in half all at once, and buried them in the trash. It feels like a tear through my heart when I do such things, but I knew it had to be done. And I know there are more mementos like these buried in drawers and closets that I must purge while I'm on this roll. I just have to find the strength.

Two days ago, on Saturday night, I met up with some friends who were at a bar, only to find that my ex- was there with some of his own friends. We were on opposite sides of the bar for the whole night, each pretending not to notice the other. Admittedly, I've been doing a lot of that lately. The last two times I saw him, I just looked the other way and pretended not to notice him. I hate it. This time I was doing the same for a long time, but finally when a person (whom we both used to enjoy making fun of) was up on stage (it was karaoke night) I sent him a funny text message, and when he got it, we waved at each other across the room and laughed.

It would have been nice to leave it at that, but part of me still feels the need to avenge my broken heart. One thing I do is make a point of smoking cigarettes in front of him - something I know he hates. It's a nice self-destructive and passive-agressive was of saying both "fuck you" as well as "look what you've done to me." (Incidentally, I'm thinking of quitting, starting today... haha... we'll see how that goes.) But wait! That's not all! A "bar friend" of mine was there with us who has made his attraction for me clear - purely no-strings sexual attraction - and I took pleasure in having my arm around him or his arm around me, in front of my ex-. When my ex- left, he had to walk right by us in this configuration, and I made a point once again to not look up, prentending not to notice him. We moved on to another bar, didn't see my ex- there for the first 30 minutes or so, but eventually my affectionate friend told me he saw my ex- walk in, and at that moment we began making out - I assume in full view of my ex-. I don't know for sure, but soon after I was told he turned around and left.

Yesterday morning I felt intensely guilty about all this, realizing how immature, inappropriate, and cruel it was to behave like that knowing he could see. Granted, he is the one who broke up with me, though I know it is extremely hard on him, too, not having me in his life after years of spending quite a bit of time together. So I know it's hard for him just to see me in public, same as it is for me. We've even discussed it a little. If I had had to see him kissing another man in public (thankfully, he's not the type to allow anyone to kiss him in public!) I would have been in the bathroom crying. No doubt in my mind.

Yesterday morning I sent him an instant message saying something like, "I think I may have behaved in a cruel, immature, and inappropriate way in front of you last night. I'm sorry. I hope you have a good trip." And then I immediately signed off. I was about to go play a concert and he was about to leave for Miami. I guess I couldn't face any type of discussion about it, so I took the cowardly approach.

I wish all these feelings would go away. I wish I could get over him. Part of me wants to run away, go live in another city, forget all the memories I have in this place. Part of me wants to stay and hold my ground and hope that he gets the damned job in Miami, and maybe gets washed away by the next big hurricane. Of course I don't want that. It's just fun to say it. Part of me still wishes he would realize the error of his ways and beg me to love him once again, but that's never going to happen, and that's how I know I'm still not over him, damn it.