keeping the momentum

"A recent trip overseas leaves Aries seeing everything through the eyes of a disenchanted American. Your old 'hood can certainly seem boring after a fun week away, but rest assured more such trips are in store for Aries."

This was in a December horoscope I came across the other day. Three weeks ago today, I was immersed in overwhelming art, architecture, music, food, and wine. Three weeks ago today, I spent nearly the entire day with a lump in my throat, not only because it was my last day in Paris, but because I had been on the verge of tears several times in quick succession. The first was upon entering the Sainte Chapelle and being surrounded by overwhelming color. The next was upon seeing the Eiffel Tower at Sunset. The last was listening to Chopin and Liszt in a 12th Century church. (I mean, how much can a person bear in one day?)

I spent the next week almost constantly thinking about living in Paris. Was there a way to make it happen? Was I just romanticizing it because I saw it from a vacationer's perspective?

It seemed like the universe was sending me all sorts of signals that I needed to jump-start my life - to go after the things that I wanted, rather than sit back and let life happen to me. I heard a radio interview with Danny DeVito in which he spoke about just that. He said he had always gone after the things he most wanted, and pursued them relentlessly until he got them. I felt like he was speaking to me! I wasn't going to simply "go with the flow" any more.

Little by little, though, I got wrapped up in all the mundane things that tie me to this life, and this place. Am I content, as the horoscope says, knowing there will be more trips like the magical one of a few weeks ago? Or am I losing the momentum I had when the smell of the sidewalk creperies was still fresh in my mind?

I'm still here!

Those of you who are instant message addicts, like me, surely know that an "away" message can express way more than simple non-presence. Whereas in the early days of IM, an away message consisted of a simple "I'm away from my computer right now", today an away message is an advertisement of your entire mental, physical and emotional state. "Ugh... Monday" or "at the gym" are meant to let our immediate chat realm know that we are less than happy to be back to work, or that we're ever-so-healthy and therefore sexually desirable.

Today is the first anniversary of the breakup of my most recent relationship. It lasted three and a half years, and ended one year ago today when I received an email saying we should no longer be a couple. That may sound like a cold way to end a relationship, but since all of our serious conversations for those three and a half years took place via email or text message, it was not at all surprising at the time. In the year since then, my ex- has been on and off my chat buddy list. At first it was way too painful to see his name there, constantly reminding me of his presence, so I removed him. Once in a while I put him back, sometimes out of curiosity - I wanted to know what his away messages said, despite the fact that they never express any emotional state. Apropos, I suppose, for someone who is emotionally detatched. Once in a while we actually chat. In honor of the anniversary of our breakup I have kept the following away message up almost all day for the past few days:

I’ve run the gamut,
A to Z.
Three cheers and dammit,
C’est La Vie.
I got through all of last year,
And I’m here.

Lord knows, at least I’ve been there,
And I’m here!
Look who’s here!
I’m still here!

-Stephen Sondheim

I rather enjoy the irony of an "away" message boldly proclaiming my presence. I have no way of knowing if my ex- still has me on his buddy list, or if he even reads my away messages. Tonight I came very close to IMing him something like "happy anniversary" or "can you believe it's been a year?" or simply, "do you know what today is?" But after some consideration, I realized there really was no point.

Twice this weekend, well-intentioned friends sent me text messages telling me they spotted my ex- somewhere in his neighborhood. A year ago, or even 6 months ago, it would have been yet another painful reminder of his presence - a vision of him in a familiar place, going about his life without me. Today I just don't care much. If he could see how often I go to those familiar places, going on with my life, it would balance out. Maybe well-intentioned people send him similar text messages. Maybe they don't. I did see him on Saturday night at two different local bars, for the first time in two months. I was with a group of friends, he was with a couple friends of his own. My heart didn't leap into my throat as it used to. If my pulse quickened, it was imperceptible. I didn't really care. We never said hi or even waved of made eye contact. He didn't stick around long in either place.

Just now, the guy with whom I've recently had three rather promising dates called. He just got back from a weekend visiting family in Toronto. That might have something to do with my feeling less concerned about running into my ex-boyfriend. This guy seems to be very sensitive, open, and communicative - the opposite of you-know-who. He's also extremely cultured and intelligent. Unfortunately he just called to say he was exhausted from travel and work, has a nasty cold, and is busy every night this week except tomorrow (when I'm busy). I'm leaving for Paris on Monday, so it's looking like we won't see each other for two weeks. I guess if it's meant to be, then in two weeks we'll pick up where we left off!

The good thing is that this new guy doesn't instant message.

Oh, and at this very moment, my ex- has the following away message up:
"at the gym... bbs..."

People love those dot-dot-dots...

it's been ages!

This will have to be a hurried entry, but just to catch things up to the present...

Tonight my band, NEXT MONTH'S RENT, is playing at a club in Philadelphia called Sister's. We bought a new PA system this week, so we'll probably spend the next 6 gigs or so paying it off. That's cool, though. I'm not really in it for the money. It's just fun to pretend to be a rock star once in a while.

My next bit of excitement is that I'll be going to Paris in November with my NYC posse. Very excited about that! We're renting an apartment for 5 nights on Rue Quincampoix. Pictures to come!

Late for work - gotta run.

Bunny in Berlin!

I just got back on Tuesday from a week in Berlin. I went to visit my friend Mark, who had already been there for six weeks, doing research for his forthcoming book about electronic dance music. Needless to say, we spent a good bit of time in dance clubs - and if there's any place in the world to go clubbing and hear techno, Berlin is it!

I'll try to reconstruct my week here, to the best of my recollection!

I arrived pretty early on Wednesday morning, August 16th. We had some coffee and walked to a nearby outdoor market to buy bread, cheese and fruit (a very European way to start.) We walked around a bit through the gay area of Schoeneberg. Here's a picture of us with the rainbow bear that was out front of an enormous (ahem) "book" store. I was pretty tired, as I hadn't gotten any sleep on the overnight flight. So I took a little nap, then we went out on the town. The first club we went to was called SO 36 which was having a night called kurzurlaub. The music was good, they had a strange little show in which some people (some in drag) danced around and threw various items at the audience - chocolate coins, condoms... I can't remember what else. Then we went to a nearby bar called Roses, which had interesting tacky décor, and was kind of quiet.

On Thursday, after a sound rest, I went off on my own. I took a little walk on the Kurfürstendam, which is a big shopping street. There were 3 H&M's on one block - crazy! There's a church known as the Kaiser Wilhelm Memorial Church. It has been kept in its bombed-out condition from WWII, with a new church built next to it. The inside of the new church is quite striking - it has small block windows surrounding the entire sanctuary made from shards of mostly blue stained glass:

So... I did a little shopping and then took a tourist bus through the Tierpark and got out near the Reichstag, where the German parliament is located:

I walked around and looked at some of the other sights in the neighborhood. Some modern government buildings were nearby, along the Spree, the river that runs through Berlin:
Then I met Mark at the Brandenburger Tor (the Brandenburg Gate) : It soon started raining. We tried to find this vegetarian restaurant in the neighborhood, but the weather turned really nasty for a while and we got out of there. Originally we were supposed to go to this cool open-air bar called kubik (we went the next day... see below) but they closed down due to the rain.

After dinner at a fantastic Indian place right near the apartment, we went out, first to Möbel-Olfe, a nice, bohemian kind of bar, then we went over to Alexander Platz, to a club called Kinzo, which was having a night called Chantal's House of Shame. There was another strange drag show hosted by a very drunk Chantal (I presume). We danced there for a while, then headed to Weekend, where a DJ that Mark knew was playing. This place was up on a top floor of a tall building, so it had nice views. It was a mostly straight crowd, the dj was good, and we danced and hung out until the sun started coming up.

On Friday, again I took a little jaunt on my own, this time over to the Haus am Checkpoint Charlie where they have a very cluttered-yet-interesting museum about the Berlin Wall.

Then I went down Mehringdam in the Kreuzberg neighboorhood, and stopped in at Barbie Bar, which proved to be more interesting than I expected. No sooner had I sat down a few feet away from a sidewalk table at which sat several wild-looking drag queens, than did one of them walk over to me and hand me a glass of champagne, explaining (I think) that they had an extra glass! So I thanked them and toasted with them. Another came over shortly thereafter and handed me an ad for the show they were doing that night. I told her I had to go meet a friend for dinner, but perhaps we'd come back for the show. So I had my drink and then went home.

That night we went to Kubik which looks like this:

It's a really cool outdoor space made of these glowing blocks that slowly blink on and off. It's also on the Spree, so we were able to walk over to a little "beach" area and sit by the water. Then we went over to a club called Maria - actually that's what half the club is called, and the other half is called Josef, which is where the action was that night. Mark was videotaping the DJ for a little over an hour, then we hung out for a while. It also had an outdoor area overlooking the Spree. After a while we went back to Kubik to see what was going on and have another drink, then went home.

Okay now I'm getting confused, because I seem to remember that it was Thursday when we went to the Pergamon museum... hmm... so maybe I skipped something, or got my days mixed up, but anyway, it doesn't matter too much. We did go to the Pergamon on Thursday, though, because that was the day they were open late and for free. It's a really huge antiquities museum. One of the coolest things was the Ishtar Gate.

It's got these weird mythical creatures on it called Mushrushu:

Anyway, on Saturday and Sunday (I think!) during the days, we saw the Berliner Dom,

...the Dome of the Reichstag,

hung out in the Tierpark, and saw the Siegesäule (see first pic at top of this post.) It's a bit of a blur what happened on what day. Oh, and we also happened upon a big festival that was taking place on the Kurfürstendam, where we took a ride on a ferris wheel from which I got this great shot of a guy bungee jumping:

We were sharing a ferris wheel car with a German couple, and when the woman saw the jumper, she gasped and said something like "Nicht für alle die Gelt in der Welt!" (I'm sure my grammar is off, but it means "not for all the money in the world!")

On Saturday night we went to Three more clubs. (It never stops!) The first was a party called Irrenhaus ("crazy house") where the craziest things were the unbearable heat and overcrowdedness. We did get a piece of birthday cake (it was the club's birthday apparently) with chocolate penises on it, though. On the way out we shared a cab with a Swedish guy named Peter and an Austrian guy whose name now escapes me. Interestingly, the Austrian was from Salzburg and had worked at the pizza place (the Büro) that Maria and I frequented when we were there back in 1997! They persuaded us to join them at a club called Volksbühne which was in a partially-renovated theater.

I should mention that by this time it was after 4:00 am. Sometime after 5:00 or so, Mark and I left to go to Berghain, which was the most enormous and crazy club yet. It was in a huge factory/warehouse type space - three floors, insanely packed at dawn. It was still going strong at 7:30 or so when we finally left. At that point, we were dancing on the upstairs floor, which was packed with people. Every so often, the window blinds would open by remote control, and daylight would come pouring in over the crowd, provoking everyone to cheer loudly! Insane. Mark was ready to stay, but I didnt want to sleep all day Sunday, as we had plans to meet up with Arne (a guy I had met at Newark airport on Tuesday, waiting for our plane to Berlin) and his boyfriend Christian. We met them up in Prinzlauer Berg for coffee (Mark and I had breakfast) around 5:30pm. They showed us around for a little while after that.

On Sunday and Monday nights we went out in Schoeneberg, trying to take it kind of easy - if that's possible. We went to Heile Welt and Tom's on Sunday, and Hafen and Tom's again on Monday.

Besides the Indian place, some of the great food I had (I have trouble remembering which day at which place!) includes two Imbiss places - one was middle eastern (we went there twice - great Halumi sandwiches, grape leaves, mtaba, baklava, etc) and the other was Thai. Also two great Italian places.

eliminated

The One is over for me. On Friday night I sang my songs and on Saturday I didn't get enough votes to make it from the top 6 to the top 4. It would sound bitter to complain that the results had less to do with talent than with the number of people each contestant could persuade to vote for him. It would not be gracious to suggest that it was a popularity contest among the contestants and their friends rather than an American Idol situation, in which millions of people are voting for the performer they think is the best - or at least the cutest. So I won't say those things.

time management

I've had a nasty cold for about a week now - it seemed like it was getting better on Saturday and Sunday, and I actually got out of the house those days, but yesterday and today it has taken a nasty turn. I'm living on 12-hour sudafed, ibuprofen, and nyquil.

Whenever I'm stuck at home with a cold for long stretches, I always feel justified in being a little lazy. You have to rest, after all, in order to get better. So I end up watching a lot of tv and movies and such. I've probably seen more tv in the last week than in an entire month. I'm just that way - I don't really turn on the tv because it's such a passive activity. Even though I waste hours at a time at the computer (more interactive I guess) I always feel tv is more of a waste. I even forget to watch shows that I like. But as I said, I've been watching this week. The more you watch, the more you want to watch, it seems. I saw Project Runway for the first time last night, and of course, now I want to know how it's all going to turn out. I saw a few episodes of my favorite animated shows - Family Guy, The Simpsons, American Dad, King of the Hill, and watched some Malcolm in the Middle waiting for those other shows to start. I also caught The Daily Show and The Colbert Report last night. I could easily watch each of these shows every time they're on. I didn't catch any South Park, but I wish I had. On top of all that, I have 183 movies in queue on netflix - even if I watch two of those a week, which is highly unlikely, it would take me nearly two years to get through them all - assuming I don't add more and more movies to the queue, which I add to continually.

Yesterday I got a book in the mail that I had ordered from half.com - 28 Barbary Lane - which contains Armistead Maupin's first three Tales of the City novels. I've already read them, maybe 10 or 15 years ago, but I was recently in San Francisco, and now want to re-read them. But I'm still finishing two books of short stories, and earlier this summer, started Don Quixote, which I think will be rewarding if I can find the discipline to hunker down and read it.

Everything I've mentioned so far are leisure activities. Sure, not all of it is mindless entertainment - some of it is art and will enrich my life and understanding of the world. Even pure entertainment is necessary once in a while, for a little 'down time'. But I then find I'm not practicing enough piano, not getting to the gym as often as I should (alright, I've been sick, so I haven't felt like it), not investigating ways of bettering my carreer or financial situation, not cleaning the apartment. It's so easy to avoid those things that take real mental and/or physical effort because of the overwhelming availability of leisure activities. (If tv can be called an 'activity'...)

So how much of my non-work time do I spend 'working' at these things? Do I need to make a schedule? Only allow certain time slots for internet or tv? It would be an interesting task just to see how much more productive I can be if I plan my time better. I think it might also help me feel like I'm not sitting on my ass, wasting my life!

Now I'm off to work.

some pictures from san fran

I used a little Photoshop magic to make this one blue, but the bridge really was disappearing into the fog like this. I took it out the car window on our way to Sonoma.

This is city hall...

...and this is a view from the Top of the Mark, where I also had a delicious lychee martini.

Madonnarama

A month ago, I got really drunk at this club called Pure, and winded up in this karaoke competition called The One. They picked ten of us that night, put our pictures on the website, and people voted online the next day. The one with the least votes got eliminated. This Friday was round two - Madonnarama - in which the remaining nine of us had to sing Madonna songs (she's in town this week performing on Wednesday). I had prepared three songs, and the one I was asked to sing was "Borderline." They had moved the competition from a small basement lounge, up to the huge main dance floor, and constructed a stage with a runway, on which we were to perform. The crowd was much larger than usual, which was nervewracking, AND I had to go FIRST!

Aaaaanyway, it went ok, and since the judges' comments and scores were irrelevant - again, people voted yesterday - I was passed to the next round, August 5th. We are supposed to sing two songs this time, one upbeat and one slow. The theme is "Legendary Men of the 1970's". I have no clue what to sing yet. I am open to all suggestions!

tricks and ex-'s (this will probably ramble...)

So now I've been single for almost 6 months. I'd say I'm finally starting to feel emotionally stable about it. This weekend I hooked up with 2 different guys on 2 different nights. It was lots of fun at the time, though it left me feeling a little empty inside, in that both encounters were essentially meaningless sex. I definitely miss the type of sex that is an expression of genuine affection or love.

I think these feelings made me start wondering how my ex- was doing... We hadn't spoken in a couple months. The last time I saw him was a couple weeks ago, when he showed up at a bar where I was hanging out. He stayed for five minutes and left. I guess it was extremely uncomfortable, so he dashed.

So I've been concerned - I've heard from various sources about him being depressed. No surprise there, since I believe that is the basic reason why he can't have a relationship. I sent him an IM on Sunday night asking simply "how's life?", but he never responded. Then I woke up yesterday morning with what I assume is strep throat, and tried IMing him again, to see if he would phone in a prescription for me. I truly didn't expect anything, but I thought it would be interesting to see how he reacted. If he were to refuse, it would tell a lot about how he thinks of me these days. (When we split up, he was adamant that he couldn't bear the thought of me not being in his life in some way, and that hopefully one day we would be able to be friends, and in the mean time, we shouldn't ignore one another...) We have been basically ignoring one another lately, though.

I wasn't surprised with his initial reaction: "are you kidding me?" He flat out refused, and I asked him if it was because of something I had done. He said no, but he still wouldn't do this for me. I kept asking why, but he had no good answers. I then brought up the IM I had sent him a couple days earlier, and it turned out he thought I was only speaking to him because I needed something from him. I pointed out that I was not sick when I first contacted him, but he didn't seem to believe me, so finally I just said, "ok, if that's what you want to believe... nice talking to you." Something like that. And I made myself invisible to him.

Not five minutes after I started to write a rant about this in my journal, saying how naïve it was of me to ever expect him to act like a human being, did I get an IM from him asking for my pharmacist's phone number. One supposes he thought about it, realized he was being unreasonable, and decided that it would be a nice thing to do. So I reacted gratefully and acknowledged that he was doing me a favor that he didn't have to do. In a way, I guess, my faith is restored that he may one day become an actual human being with feelings. Or maybe his hippocratic oath kicked in or something. Who knows?

In about a month, on June 5th, it will be what would have been our 4th anniversary. It will be 7 months post-break-up, but I still envision it being a hard day for me. For him too, perhaps. I don't know. A thought crossed my mind after our interaction yesterday that maybe there was a way to transform that date into something positive, and at the same time start building a friendship with him out of the ashes of our relationship. I thought, what if we went out to dinner at a nice place on our "non-anniversary" and simply celebrated the fact that we know each other and survived what we've been through, and really enjoyed a lot of things in those 3½ years? (I have a $100 gift certificate that would have been used on him by now, had we stayed together.) I can't decide if this is a brilliant idea, or an enormous mistake. I can't decide what my motives really are, or if I really want to be friends with him at all.

Fortunately, I don't have to decide any of that today. I think it's a crazy idea, and maybe he wouldn't even go along with it, anyway. I'll tell you where I think it comes from. Over 15 years ago, my mom and her best friend Jill were in a really bad car accident. It was a fairly new friendship, and it really put them to the test. They were both injured, especially my mom's friend. But it ended up being a real bonding experience for them. On the anniversary of their accident, Jill decided to commemorate the event, as painful and frightening as it was, with a humorous "re-enactment" in a diorama, complete with matchbox cars, and all the dialogue she could remember. We all thought it was crazy, but at the same time, it was an ingenious way to turn something negative into something positive.

Who knows what I will decide to do?? I'll keep you posted!

The Rules

It seems I will never learn the cardinal rule of gay dating:

Don't show enthusiasm or they will run screaming for the door!

Again and again the world tries to teach me this lesson, and I refuse to learn it. I reach out, I try to be nice, I show interest... it's the wrong approach. The other person then thinks, "Oh no! Something must be wrong with this person because he actually seems interested in pathetic old me." I should know, I do it when the tables are turned. Show interest in me and you're forgotten in a day. Act aloof, disinterested, ambivalent, unenthused, and I will obsess over you. Treat me like shit and I might even date you for YEARS at a time!

But I just can't learn to act that way. I get excited and I show it. If I like someone, I want them to know it. Why can't any of us handle being liked? None of this is news. Supposedly we all want what we can't have, and we're addicted to the thrill of the chase. I guess I'm guilty of it, but I can't make myself act like an asshole! And when I truly am uninterested, it makes the object of my disinterest try even harder.

Can we all stop acting like idiots and just be honest? *sigh*

Four Months later...

Yeah... my boyfriend and I broke up four months ago (plus one week.) Today is awfully hard because it's my first day of Spring Break. For the three and a half years that we were together, we regularly took vacations together at this time of the year. One year was Vegas, another Florida, last year was Puerto Rico. One year ago just about now... He's in Miami today interviewing for a fellowship and spending a couple days with a friend. We had talked about going to Napa Valley together this time, but that was dreaming a little too far in advance apparently.

It's my first day of Spring Break, as I said, and I'm cleaning up my apartment. My goal is to throw away a lot of old junk. There was a small keepsake box on my coffee table full of photos and postcards, and some birthday cards, etc. I knew there would be cards from my ex- in there, and though I knew it would be hard, I went through the pile and found four: two anniversary, one birthday, and one Easter. They all said "Love" but I don't think any of them said "I love you." Hindsight. I tore the four of them in half all at once, and buried them in the trash. It feels like a tear through my heart when I do such things, but I knew it had to be done. And I know there are more mementos like these buried in drawers and closets that I must purge while I'm on this roll. I just have to find the strength.

Two days ago, on Saturday night, I met up with some friends who were at a bar, only to find that my ex- was there with some of his own friends. We were on opposite sides of the bar for the whole night, each pretending not to notice the other. Admittedly, I've been doing a lot of that lately. The last two times I saw him, I just looked the other way and pretended not to notice him. I hate it. This time I was doing the same for a long time, but finally when a person (whom we both used to enjoy making fun of) was up on stage (it was karaoke night) I sent him a funny text message, and when he got it, we waved at each other across the room and laughed.

It would have been nice to leave it at that, but part of me still feels the need to avenge my broken heart. One thing I do is make a point of smoking cigarettes in front of him - something I know he hates. It's a nice self-destructive and passive-agressive was of saying both "fuck you" as well as "look what you've done to me." (Incidentally, I'm thinking of quitting, starting today... haha... we'll see how that goes.) But wait! That's not all! A "bar friend" of mine was there with us who has made his attraction for me clear - purely no-strings sexual attraction - and I took pleasure in having my arm around him or his arm around me, in front of my ex-. When my ex- left, he had to walk right by us in this configuration, and I made a point once again to not look up, prentending not to notice him. We moved on to another bar, didn't see my ex- there for the first 30 minutes or so, but eventually my affectionate friend told me he saw my ex- walk in, and at that moment we began making out - I assume in full view of my ex-. I don't know for sure, but soon after I was told he turned around and left.

Yesterday morning I felt intensely guilty about all this, realizing how immature, inappropriate, and cruel it was to behave like that knowing he could see. Granted, he is the one who broke up with me, though I know it is extremely hard on him, too, not having me in his life after years of spending quite a bit of time together. So I know it's hard for him just to see me in public, same as it is for me. We've even discussed it a little. If I had had to see him kissing another man in public (thankfully, he's not the type to allow anyone to kiss him in public!) I would have been in the bathroom crying. No doubt in my mind.

Yesterday morning I sent him an instant message saying something like, "I think I may have behaved in a cruel, immature, and inappropriate way in front of you last night. I'm sorry. I hope you have a good trip." And then I immediately signed off. I was about to go play a concert and he was about to leave for Miami. I guess I couldn't face any type of discussion about it, so I took the cowardly approach.

I wish all these feelings would go away. I wish I could get over him. Part of me wants to run away, go live in another city, forget all the memories I have in this place. Part of me wants to stay and hold my ground and hope that he gets the damned job in Miami, and maybe gets washed away by the next big hurricane. Of course I don't want that. It's just fun to say it. Part of me still wishes he would realize the error of his ways and beg me to love him once again, but that's never going to happen, and that's how I know I'm still not over him, damn it.

I should really be practicing

I promised that I would create a real post here... The dreaded blank slate. What to talk about...

Well, this is going to be a really busy couple of months for me. I have concerts with my piano duo (see www.bradshawmartinduo.com) on February 8, 24, 25, March 16, 19 and 31. I'm also playing with my rock band (see www.myspace.com/nextmonthsrent) on March 11. In the midst of all this I'm trying to keep my social life going, and continue the noble pursuit of finding a boyfriend.

More to come... now I really should be practicing.