So now I've been single for almost 6 months. I'd say I'm finally starting to feel emotionally stable about it. This weekend I hooked up with 2 different guys on 2 different nights. It was lots of fun at the time, though it left me feeling a little empty inside, in that both encounters were essentially meaningless sex. I definitely miss the type of sex that is an expression of genuine affection or love.
I think these feelings made me start wondering how my ex- was doing... We hadn't spoken in a couple months. The last time I saw him was a couple weeks ago, when he showed up at a bar where I was hanging out. He stayed for five minutes and left. I guess it was extremely uncomfortable, so he dashed.
So I've been concerned - I've heard from various sources about him being depressed. No surprise there, since I believe that is the basic reason why he can't have a relationship. I sent him an IM on Sunday night asking simply "how's life?", but he never responded. Then I woke up yesterday morning with what I assume is strep throat, and tried IMing him again, to see if he would phone in a prescription for me. I truly didn't expect anything, but I thought it would be interesting to see how he reacted. If he were to refuse, it would tell a lot about how he thinks of me these days. (When we split up, he was adamant that he couldn't bear the thought of me not being in his life in some way, and that hopefully one day we would be able to be friends, and in the mean time, we shouldn't ignore one another...) We have been basically ignoring one another lately, though.
I wasn't surprised with his initial reaction: "are you kidding me?" He flat out refused, and I asked him if it was because of something I had done. He said no, but he still wouldn't do this for me. I kept asking why, but he had no good answers. I then brought up the IM I had sent him a couple days earlier, and it turned out he thought I was only speaking to him because I needed something from him. I pointed out that I was not sick when I first contacted him, but he didn't seem to believe me, so finally I just said, "ok, if that's what you want to believe... nice talking to you." Something like that. And I made myself invisible to him.
Not five minutes after I started to write a rant about this in my journal, saying how naïve it was of me to ever expect him to act like a human being, did I get an IM from him asking for my pharmacist's phone number. One supposes he thought about it, realized he was being unreasonable, and decided that it would be a nice thing to do. So I reacted gratefully and acknowledged that he was doing me a favor that he didn't have to do. In a way, I guess, my faith is restored that he may one day become an actual human being with feelings. Or maybe his hippocratic oath kicked in or something. Who knows?
In about a month, on June 5th, it will be what would have been our 4th anniversary. It will be 7 months post-break-up, but I still envision it being a hard day for me. For him too, perhaps. I don't know. A thought crossed my mind after our interaction yesterday that maybe there was a way to transform that date into something positive, and at the same time start building a friendship with him out of the ashes of our relationship. I thought, what if we went out to dinner at a nice place on our "non-anniversary" and simply celebrated the fact that we know each other and survived what we've been through, and really enjoyed a lot of things in those 3½ years? (I have a $100 gift certificate that would have been used on him by now, had we stayed together.) I can't decide if this is a brilliant idea, or an enormous mistake. I can't decide what my motives really are, or if I really want to be friends with him at all.
Fortunately, I don't have to decide any of that today. I think it's a crazy idea, and maybe he wouldn't even go along with it, anyway. I'll tell you where I think it comes from. Over 15 years ago, my mom and her best friend Jill were in a really bad car accident. It was a fairly new friendship, and it really put them to the test. They were both injured, especially my mom's friend. But it ended up being a real bonding experience for them. On the anniversary of their accident, Jill decided to commemorate the event, as painful and frightening as it was, with a humorous "re-enactment" in a diorama, complete with matchbox cars, and all the dialogue she could remember. We all thought it was crazy, but at the same time, it was an ingenious way to turn something negative into something positive.
Who knows what I will decide to do?? I'll keep you posted!
Wednesday, May 10, 2006
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