I'm still here!

Those of you who are instant message addicts, like me, surely know that an "away" message can express way more than simple non-presence. Whereas in the early days of IM, an away message consisted of a simple "I'm away from my computer right now", today an away message is an advertisement of your entire mental, physical and emotional state. "Ugh... Monday" or "at the gym" are meant to let our immediate chat realm know that we are less than happy to be back to work, or that we're ever-so-healthy and therefore sexually desirable.

Today is the first anniversary of the breakup of my most recent relationship. It lasted three and a half years, and ended one year ago today when I received an email saying we should no longer be a couple. That may sound like a cold way to end a relationship, but since all of our serious conversations for those three and a half years took place via email or text message, it was not at all surprising at the time. In the year since then, my ex- has been on and off my chat buddy list. At first it was way too painful to see his name there, constantly reminding me of his presence, so I removed him. Once in a while I put him back, sometimes out of curiosity - I wanted to know what his away messages said, despite the fact that they never express any emotional state. Apropos, I suppose, for someone who is emotionally detatched. Once in a while we actually chat. In honor of the anniversary of our breakup I have kept the following away message up almost all day for the past few days:

I’ve run the gamut,
A to Z.
Three cheers and dammit,
C’est La Vie.
I got through all of last year,
And I’m here.

Lord knows, at least I’ve been there,
And I’m here!
Look who’s here!
I’m still here!

-Stephen Sondheim

I rather enjoy the irony of an "away" message boldly proclaiming my presence. I have no way of knowing if my ex- still has me on his buddy list, or if he even reads my away messages. Tonight I came very close to IMing him something like "happy anniversary" or "can you believe it's been a year?" or simply, "do you know what today is?" But after some consideration, I realized there really was no point.

Twice this weekend, well-intentioned friends sent me text messages telling me they spotted my ex- somewhere in his neighborhood. A year ago, or even 6 months ago, it would have been yet another painful reminder of his presence - a vision of him in a familiar place, going about his life without me. Today I just don't care much. If he could see how often I go to those familiar places, going on with my life, it would balance out. Maybe well-intentioned people send him similar text messages. Maybe they don't. I did see him on Saturday night at two different local bars, for the first time in two months. I was with a group of friends, he was with a couple friends of his own. My heart didn't leap into my throat as it used to. If my pulse quickened, it was imperceptible. I didn't really care. We never said hi or even waved of made eye contact. He didn't stick around long in either place.

Just now, the guy with whom I've recently had three rather promising dates called. He just got back from a weekend visiting family in Toronto. That might have something to do with my feeling less concerned about running into my ex-boyfriend. This guy seems to be very sensitive, open, and communicative - the opposite of you-know-who. He's also extremely cultured and intelligent. Unfortunately he just called to say he was exhausted from travel and work, has a nasty cold, and is busy every night this week except tomorrow (when I'm busy). I'm leaving for Paris on Monday, so it's looking like we won't see each other for two weeks. I guess if it's meant to be, then in two weeks we'll pick up where we left off!

The good thing is that this new guy doesn't instant message.

Oh, and at this very moment, my ex- has the following away message up:
"at the gym... bbs..."

People love those dot-dot-dots...